Winter Solstice, Early Summer

flI am so happy.
I am the richest girl in the world.
I am so alive.
So alive it is unbelievable.
And tomorrow is my birthday.
And the day after that.
And the day after that.
And the day after that too.

You
Who
Will
Celebrate
Me.

Because I am so alive.

I am life itself.
All the life.
Even that rat that just ran around the corner.
Even the cockroach.
I am that too.
All life.
All of it.

And no, nothing dark.
Which is not to say there is not darkness in life.
There is.
Which is not to say I am not all life.
Which I am.
Therefore,
Ergo,
There must be,
There has to be,
Darkness inside me.

So I take that back,
That earlier line.
Sorry!
But you can keep everything else.
All the rest of everything is was will be had been would have been therefore must be
True.

True for me is life.
Every bleeding bloody moment of it.

All that juicy stuff you might prefer
To pretend is something other that what it is
But that, that too, it is not.
Not what you think
And therefore is
Must be
Part of
Life.

Now.

True for everyone in that Florida nightclub,

That Colorado movie theater,

That university,

That other university,

That one too,

And that one,

That one.

Oh! I forgot about that one!

And the community college and the

Elementary school

What is true for them (me) there,

All of them (us),

Is complete and permanent

Darkness.

Forever.

Eternity.

Or at least the remains of what remains

Of time.

Every last second of it.
Will be consumed by every last bit
Of darkness.

I wonder if I will survive this American life.

I wonder if I will make it
Into something resembling
Something close to
The roundness and goodness
The okayness of being
Okay.

I wonder if that will happen for me.

Because it is a question of survival
In a race against time
Which must right there be in a way everything that could possibly matter.
All of it.
So, to be clear,
To clarify:

1) Survival matters to me.

2) Being American matters to me.

But I don’t know that I will survive this business,
This whole business of
Being American
When I could just as easily get
Wiped off the face of the earth
Swept to the place that’s never once heard of America
Or cared to
Tomorrow.
This could happen as soon as tomorrow
Which is to say
This could happen
Now.

How readily that could happen!!

How fully I fear it!

Will I survive this American life?

Well, answer me.

Will I?

Will I?

It’s not polite to ignore people when they are asking you a question.

You should break that habit immediately.

Also, don’t bite your nails

I have been meaning to tell you how disturbing I find that.

Literally think about it–
Stop and think!
Because you are eating yourself.
Bite by bite.
And no one wants to see that.
You are not so delicious.

But maybe you have something right
Maybe you are not so bad
After all.
Not yet all that darkness.

Meaning maybe you do this,
The most disgusting thing possible,
In order to stay away from people.
To ensure you won’t be seen.
To repulse those who do see you.
Make them run fast.

Bite bite bite!

Run run run!

And now you are free to do what you want.
Alone and therefore free.

And I think that is so smart.

Because that is the only way to survive this whole thing
This whole business of being
American.

(Photo credit: Steve Nesius/Reuters)

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